Grew up in a small town

And when the rain would fall down

I'd just stare out my window

Dreamin' of what could be

And if I'd end up happy I would pray

Trying hard to reach out

But when I tried to speak out

Felt like no one could hear me

Wanted to belong here

But something felt so wrong here

So I pray

I could breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly

I'll do what it takes 'til I touch the sky

And I'll make a wish, take a chance make a change

And breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the Sun

But I won't forget all the ones that I love

I'll take a risk

take a chance

make a change

And breakaway

Want to feel the warm breeze

Sleep under a palm tree

Feel the rush of the ocean

Get onboard a fast train

Travel on a jet plane

Faraway

And breakaway

Buildings with a hundred floors

Swinging round revolvin' doors

Maybe I don't know where they'll take me

But gotta keep movin' on

Movin' on

Fly away

Breakaway

I just want to fly to somewhere that I belong. I tried my best to make myself comfortable and get used to the surroundings, but it's not easy, at all. Who ever sees the effort? No one seems to understand. I want to get out of all these, I hate being busy, being put in that spot. I tried, so hard, I'm tired. I don't know what else I can, or need to do, to be able to reach there. Knowing my destiny is one thing, getting to it is another. Wherever it maybe, whenever it will come, I don't really want to know it anymore.

Chances come and go, you might be near but yet far from it. So do people, thinking back of all that took place this whole year. Relationships were built, friendships were forged. Smiles were broke, tears were shed. As I come to wonder, how can people change their faces that fast? I'm amazed by how people treat each other, one moment they are smiling in front of you, next, they're there backstabbing, back-mouthing of all your wrongs. Is that really what you called friends? Those that claimed to be "good/close-friends", have you ever thought that they have their motives or jealousy? I never believed in "BFF". Never. Is it true that if you treat people the way you want to be treated, people will be nicer to you?

As time flies, I am going to turn 16 next year. It just felt like it's the first day I stepped into my new secondary school, and all of a sudden, with a blink of an eye, I've grown up. Trying hard to be mature, but still hesitating about putting down all the childish acts. The things we do, the words we speak, the small little actions we did, it's really funny when you sit and think about them. Just recaping some moments. Nothing much. Maybe just shedding some tears.

I started out as a small innocent child, that was wondering what would life be when I grow up, what were my ambitions, what houses I want to stay in, will there be a pool? All I was handling was just purely joy, but right now, I'm trying hard to fixed back the broken joy. Holding back tears, putting out smiles. I really envy all the children out there, when they want to smile, they smile, when they cry, they cry out loud. They just follow what their hearts say, no need for holding back of tears and putting up of masks. Where had all those days went to? All the miseries in my heart, I've never showed, and somehow, I don't seem to remember. I just realised, how deep I've kept them that I've never shed a tear for that. Guess I've got to start digging them out, to be healthy.

If it's really a passion, will it burn out that easily?

Crying to breakaway.

I'm not sure whether I'm still clinging on to You. But I know, I still love You, You're still the one I need.

In macs again. Blogging.

Bought my sis's, mum's, gloria's, ting fang's present. Still got to buy eliz's and I am done.

I want:
1.Denim Skirt
2.Topshop vouchers(to get the tanktop)
3.Mango vouchers(so I can get that clutch)
4.Long tube
5.Long necklace
6.Bangle
7.Lancome mascara
8.ZA lip gloss
9.NICE Organiser
10.SKIN vouchers(if possible)

I believe God will give me a miracle. :)

I finally got my sleeveless top to replace the long tube that I can't seem to find it anywhere, my huge earrings, a book to hold on to(for at least a week) and a pairs of slippers. I will be getting my topshop tank, bangle and long necklace tomorrow. Finally I've got the things I want! My mummy blessed me with a $50 borders card! Weeeee... I love you mum! Haha. I need more money!!! Need!!!! Want!!! Whatever!!! Can someone bless me with the things I want??? I am sorry for being so thick skin. But... I am just craving for it so so much! It feels like no one can ever be that rich to fulfil my wants, and yes, you didn't see wrongly. It is a want, not a need. Swee Min, when can you stop shopping and buying stuff that are not necessary?! I am sorry, really, but I can't help it. *sigh* Only God has the way.

I really really really want:
Denim skirt (trying to find a nice one)
THAT MANGO CLUTCH!!! ($40+)

The ones that I can-wait but I want badly:
LONG TUBE! (can't find)
Nice Tee
Denim/Cargo shorts (can't find)

I want a long tube! But I have no idea where I can find a nice one! The rain is really making me so sick. My flu has been lasting since what seems like ages. Having a bit of cough too. What a way to end the year man.

THAT MANGO CLUTCH!!! & big bear. :)

I am in Shaw's Macdonals in the early morning sitting here using internet all thanks to... GLORIA CHEW! Make me wake up so early in a rainy, sweet morning to just travel down to use internet. -.- Gloria chew, you better go shopping with me. I brought my laptop. Haha.

Life is getting tougher. With all the things piling up like never before. But yet, I don't feel burdened, I can slack and relax. I want to feel burdened, I want to be burdened. I need something or someone to motivate me.

This few days, I didn't really have the time to really just think, to just sit and think. Everything seems to be moving in a fast forward mode. Sometimes I just felt like a robot, whatever or whoever needs me, I will just do it. I don't even know what am I actually doing. Life is getting more and more meaningless. I know the things I do is meaningful to others, but it might not be what I want to do.

Things and time are moving so fast, I am getting tired. Not physically, just inwardly. I sense a call, saying, "You need to be filled, with something, that can last you longer. You need to be charged up, refreshed." Life is getting long, real long. Although I know that one day I will know what I am going through, what is my true destiny, but when will that one day come?

I am getting tired of what I am doing. Is that how I am suppose to feel in order for me to do my best? Is that what it means by rising up? Is that all? I don't know. I don't have the answer. I felt forced, forced to grow, in an environment that I don't want to be in. I've got so many questions that need an answer to come with it. But I know, all I need is to obey. Does obey = just do it without a reason (at least you don't have to know the reason)? If that's the way, I did it and I still am. If it's not, can I know why is it so unfair? Why can he and I can't? Which way am I not better? I did all I could, all he does is play. Why can't I make a choice? Have you ever asked me whether I want to do it? Have you? I am getting rebellious, not physically and spiritually, but mentally, I am asking myself, "Is it all worth it? IS IT ALL WORTH IT?" Like what lucas said to me before, I know the answers to all my problems, I know the cause of it, I know the solutions to it, but I am just not making it happen. I am in need of grace! Before I get too tired, before I break down, give me the grace I need. NOW or at least soon.

GRACE GRACE GRACE!

I am feeling sooo christmas-y now! Chirstmas carols, ringing the bells, the decorations, gifts, atmosphere, the people, I am just loving it. Although my christmas will be a busy one, but I know I will definatly enjoy it. LOVING CHRISTMAS SEASON! Just quite sad that there is no snow in Singapore.

It's snowing in my own lala land! =)

IT'S CHRISTMAS!!!! Yet, I'm broke to the core! I want money, I need money, I want to get the things I really want!
The "Urgen-er" list... :
Topshop tanktop (vouchers)
Books (Borders card)
"that" Bareback top
Denim Skirt
Slippers
Leather Belt
Bangle
Lancome's mascara
Long tube

The "can-wait" list:
Cargo shorts
More fairytale books
Mango clothes (vouchers)
Armani exchange's belt

All I want for christmas is my family to be saved. For all my wishes to come true. For me to prosper like never beofre~!!! Although it's not something that I would like to get for christmas, but it's something I would really love to, A BIG TEDDY BEAR WITH A BOUQUET OF RED ROSES!!! Hehe.

Christmas kettling was quite fun. Cause we talked about alot of things. Not exactly alot as it always revolves around the same topic. But that topic is so wide, we can talk about it for ages and never end, cause we never get to know the truth. IT'S ALWAYS STAYS AT SQUARE ONE!!!

Prayer meeting yesterday was GREAT! God is speaking to me once again.
"Are you willing to put away everything and follow me?"
"Yes God I am willing"

You're right. It's time. Time for me to step out, time for me to reach out, time for me to start making myself fruitful and available. Swee min, stop giving excuses to yourself. Use your time to the fullest for Him. This is the time, for the next generation to rise up and do the better. It's ME!!! Give me the anoiting that I need, be it if my friends mock at me; telling me the impossibles; saying swee min you are just crazy; haha you sure you can? pigs will fly; I don't bother. Cause I know the better is installed for me. I need the faith to move on, to step out!

I need MORE MORE MORE sleep BADLY! I felt like fainting. Grant me Your strength to carry on. I can't do this alone, You know I can't, You got to help me in this.

We tend to judge others by their actions, their speech. It seems that as we make an opinion towards someone's actions and speech, be it if it's accountability, we are opening ourselves to others making an opinion of us. I hope You sees that it's not me trying to be the nice little angel, and others the black dirty devil, but I just want to change them to be better, and teach them what's right to do at the right time and what's wrong. If' one thinks that's wrong, they are just not teachable, and I've got nothing else to say.

Swee is feeling... stretched.

In days like this, I would be wondering
Do I really want to grow, or
just being forced to.
In an environment like this,
Yes, it would stretched me to do more
and greater things that is out of my comfort.
But do I really want this?

You had been talking to me all these while
I know, I understand
To step out, it's another thing
It's a whole new dimension to me
I need time
Time to get used to all these
noise, age, differences

I want to accept and love,
each and everyone ,
for who they truly are ,
and how they act.

I am willing to sacrifice.
Be it my time, effort, reputation, money.
I say... I am willing.

Love is uncontrollable. Irresistable. Love comes unexpectedly. They come so strong and I just fall back into it. Is that all it's about?

Something from Summer in the city (novel)

"Through endless summer days and

sleepless nights, the secret flame of
desire burned in him. Each accidental

touch of her hand seared his
skin. The lightest brush of her fingers
sent heat pulsing through his
loins. She was wildfire in his veins
and he dreamed of her coming to
him and..."

It was something that I remembered from the book. Apparently, it's very WOAH. Haha. I just like the way the author describe the details that make you want to read on.

Because you live...
I breathe.

30 November 2006 / Thursday
Second day of ET Zone camp. I came with a heart of expectancy. Sis Jerblinn preached about relationship with God, and from the message today, I learnt something really great, that made me went WOAH. She said, what really draws us into His presence, it's when we come before Him truly broken, when we surrender what really means to us most. God, I say, from now I on, I will come before you, surrender all that I treasure, my desires, my dreams, my friends, my time and my love. I come to You, truly broken, making myself free at all times. Sacrificing my time with my friends, my shopping, my laziness, I will avail myself to all I can do for You. Make you a vessel of Your love. For I say, I am broken.

Dance was fun today. After today, I don't know when I will be able to dance again. Really miss those practice times, with those fun and joy. All the tough training is worth it for His glory. Make it groove~

2 December 2006 / Saturday
Went for make-up cell in the early morning. I was so tired due to the late and tired nights I had. As usual I woke up late and rush down in a cab. Reached at around 11.30am when it starts at 11am. But thank God when I reached they were just sharing testimony. It's really good to worship God in the morning to be in His presence. Now I know how to step into the realm of His spirit, it's easier for me now to pull down the presence if God. Make-up cell was great, His presence was so tangible.
Rushed down to meet Gloria. Christmas Kettling was fun. The sun was freaking hot. Gloria was wondering what happen to our winter. Haha. We were asking each other questions, hopping that time will pass faster.

4-6 December / Monday-Wednesday
Did christmas kettling for all three days in a row. It was kind of tiring, yet fun as we get to talk all the time and not through the phone. I really feel like swimming badly!
Clarence's school concert on tuesday was boring. Looks like their only highlight was the band. The band is pretty good. Their dance was like... urgh. For chinese orchestra, even if it's my own school's, I still hate it. Their school choir is small but strong and good, except for this werid girl that kept on looking around and moving her head looking like a complete weirdo. Yes, Gloria you are right. Most of them there are "ah-bengs and ah-lians", maybe like 9/10 of the school. I guess most of the students did not turn up for the concert as the attendance looks really l-o-w.

As I was walking home at night, I saw this old couple, walking home, hand in hand. It's so sweet, even though they are old doesn't they have no right to be romantic, no right to love. They weren't afraid of people mocking at them saying that they are so old already yet still so mushy. As I continue to walk on, I see this young couple, just sitting there, keeping quiet, not even looking into each other's eyes. It seems that love has faded long before they knew. They have the energy, the strength, the courage, the effort to love each other more, to make the move. But they don't have the heart and mind to. After seeing these two couples, I was reminded of God. I remembered those times Pastor always tell us that it's not the age that matters, you might be old, but young in heart, and those that are young might not be that on fire for God as the older ones. Most of the times, I don't take it to heart, I used to think that I will not happen to me. Things changed, after tonight, I relised, though I am young, I got the energy and flexibility, but yet I am not using them to the fullest, I don't have the heart and passion for it. Due to that, my talents and gifts are not fruitful anymore. God, I pray and I pray, don't let that ever happen to me. Use my youth to the fullest. Let me take every single opportunities I can to serve You, to love You more. I want to be the vessel that You will use. I want to make my life to the fullest for Your glory, Your will. Let me be the one; that when You are looking through the room; looking for the one that heart is after You; to follow You wholeheartedly, You will choose me.

Dwelling in : Summer in the City

7 December / Thursday
Went for work at my cousin's shop today. 10am till 4pm. $10 per day. It's quite a slack job though, plus it's in air-condition. My uncle just wants to give me money in a more practical way. It's kind of giving his money away. Really praise the Lord, as I really needed money to fulfil my building fund and for my needs (maybe desires too :p).
I took a bus 16 down to Tiong Bahru to meet the girls and guys for basketball. It was a fun time, get to reach out to Joey (Qing's friend) too. *sigh* Children nowadays are so active, I just felt like melting under the sun, althought there isn't sun that evening, PTL! Haha. Not that I hate sports, but too much of it make me so sick and tired. Frankly, I do love sun, but not the bright bright side of it, that involves my sweat. (In the dictionary, it didin't mention that sweat are only for animals.) But I guess all of us had a fun time. I broke my NAIL!!! I was acting like a typical young girl, whining while Lucas tried to pour water on my finger as I was too afriad to do it myself, I was screaming way before the water touch my skin. At the end of it, I found out that it wasn't painful at all. Haha. I felt dumb acting like a complete girly girl (I don't mean bimbo). Had difficulties putting on the plaster too. Lucas came to help again, as xiao en's hand was too dirty(that's what she said). Thanks man. By the way, the pig IS cute.

Dwelling in : Summer in the City

8 December / Friday
Traffic jams get on my nerves. Don't want to talk about the 'job', it was stupid. Let's talk about me shopping for present in this christian book store. I saw this book that I really like, title is "How to hear God's voice in a noisy world". Although I didn't read the contents, but the title captivated me. People out there... Yes I am calling for YOU! that's you. I won't mind having vouchers as christmas gifts, especially ZARA's, MANGO's, TOPSHOP's, I would love BORDERS's card! I seriously won't reject Armani Exchange vouchers too. Although I won't really accept expensive gifts, but since you are so sincere, I will just accept it. Haha. I am so in the christmas mood! I loveee the song "silent night", for some reasons that I don't even know, I am so into it. Haha. *breathed out heavily*
For the past two days, I was dwelling in the book "Summer in the City - Elizabeth Chandler". Something came to my mind. Do you believe in love at first sight? I used to, but now I believe lust at first sight. I am a girl that live in my fantasy world A-LOT, so much that you don't even realise. I dream A-LOT. Maybe I watched and read too many romance shows and books, I told myself, I should start to read or watch less of them. When I am at home, I will bury myself in novels, it's just so exciting reading them. But I know, all those kind of sweet things that happen in the books or shows; that make me go "AHHHHHHH SOOOO SWEET!!!!", it will never come true for me. (Since I am on this topic, let me make something clear, alot of people might think that I want a relationship, you know who I am talking about and yes it's YOU! I just want to make myself clear, once and for all, I am NOT craving for a boyfriend, I am NOT desperate, I WON'T go all out for a cute guy. I WON'T and I am NOT, okay? Am I clear enough? I am sorry if I give you that idea all the long. If you are Gloria or Eliz I won't mind, cause I share things that only you know, and I hope you keep it that way. Haha.) It's just all in my dreams, somewhere in a deep deep place in my home-made lala land. Somewhere deep in my heart, I know I needed sweetness. Love at first sight? It's a jock to me.

Dwelling in : California Holiday - Kate Chan (novel)
AND
Imagine me without you - Jaci Velasquez
As long as stars shine down from heaven
And the rivers run into the sea
Till the end of time forever
You're the only love I'll need

In my life You're all that matters
In my eyes the only truth I see
When my hopes and dreams have shattered
You're the one that's there for me

When I found You I was blessed
And I will never leave You, I need You

Chorus:
Imagine me without You
I'd be lost and so confused
I wouldn't last a day, I'd be afraid
Without You there to see me through

Imagine me without You
Lord, You know it's just impossible
Because of You, it's all brand new
My life is now worthwhile
I can't imagine me without You

When You caught me I was falling
You're love lifted me back on my feet
It was like You heard me calling
And You rush to set me free