It was the first day of ET Zone day camp! Woooohooooo! The camp name is called "E=MCsquare" - Encounter=More of Christ in Culture. I am suppose to meet the members at Boon Lay MRT station at 8.30am. I woke up at 6am, went back to sleep, woke up again at 6.30am, went back to sleep, and this goes on and on till 8am. I woke up in shocked, I was like, "Oh no! How how how? I got no money take cab and who is going to meet the members?!" I got out of my bed, bathed, prepared and throw everything I needed into my bag then I rushed off. I went straight to church and got there at around 9.30am? I am in the team NOAH! Kik-kok-kik-kok-kik-kik-kok. Hehe. I miss those times.

We started off with Ice Breakers. We had this game called the 'Trios'. Where no matter what, we just got to stay in three. When a description was given, one person got to get out and find another pair. Hope you get what I mean. Cause I am kind of lazy to explain. We had another game, where each member of the team were given one word, and they got to use a specific body part to show it to their team-mates. Those who got it right will get points. I get to use my finger! Hehe. Had another game, when a list of things was given, ex. food, movies, fruits... The game masters will give an alphabet, and we got to write the things that start with that alphabet on the list of paper and run to the stage to show your answers.

Follow on we had session one. It's was okay. Presence of God was there but not very strong. I still love the way God comes in the morning to wake you up from your fantasy land and step into His anoiting.

Went for lunch, then games. There were 3 stations : Dodge Ball, Captain's Ball & Soft Ball. Dodge ball was pretty fun, captain's ball was tiring. Haha. As the opponent were kind of too tall. We didn't get a chance to play softball as it was raining heavily. I mean HEAVILY! Yet I got to run back in the rain to rush for dance practice. I bathed in church. Then... we started practicing.

The dancers put up a big load of make-ups. Haha. I love the way my hair looks somehow. Dance was okay. I can't said I did my best cause I know it's not. It's okay, there is still a chance for me tomorrow night to do my best for God. Today's seesion was GREAT! As in seriously seriously GREAT GREAT GREAT! The presence of God was so strong in that place. God, thank you for speaking to me, making me realise that I do have the ability to have a great future, that my destiny is in Your hands. Just trust in You. Trust in You. I weeped alot. Behind all the make-ups and faces, when all those mascara and foundation fades, where I throw away all my masks, and show God my true-self, that I am sorry for my true-self, for whatever I had done wrong that I try to hide. I am sorry God. Forgive me. I need Your mercy and grace.

After all that, a bus took us back to tampines. David, Si Jia, Xiao Lii, Deborah and me went to Macs to have our I think dinner? Haha. We were all so hungry. Torance, your face on my phone gave me a shock! Go back to the main point. 3 of us gotten McSpicy meal, and the rest gotten Grilled chicken fold-over. Really hungry man. I was walking around with my thick make-up and messy hair. I look really poser. Haha. But I was too tired to bother.

Something happened to me today. Just when I was renewed and changed. God, is this a test? Are you putting me to a test? I didn't know how to react. Turst in You. That's all I need? I know that I know that You are the One I truly know. I don't have to prove to anyone that the God I know is truly the God. God, I just trust in You, I placed all I have in You. Make me a vessel of Your love. Give me the courage and wisdom, to overcome the fears and trials that are coming on their way. Give me wisdom and anoiting to stand up for Your Name, Your Word, Your Promises, Your disciples, the leaders you placed in my life, and most of all, for Your sake, that I won't be afriad or stumbled when things like this happen again. I will be able to stand up for Pastor and leaders that they are the truth-speaker. Satan, get behing me! For it is written, You shall worship the Lord your God, and Him only you shall serve.

Heb 10: 22-23
"Let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope WITHOUT WAVERING, for He who promised IS FAITHFUL."

Today was GREAT!!!

I was on my way to meet Gloria at Cineleisure in the cab. Guess what?! While I was changing the songs, my dearest iPod jammed! For those that truly know me, I can't live without music, my life will be bored and meaningless. Not that God is not as important as music, but I suppose you get what I mean. Get back to the main point. I started to panic, I called Gloria and told her what happened, being the usual cold-blooded woman she is, she said, "then?". So annoying. The moment I reach Cineleisure, I rushed up to the Apple Store to get my iPod fixed. That man took like 3 seconds to get everything down, while I panic-ed like mad. Come to think of it, it's kind of dumb of me. After that I went down the next level to this store "Pandora's Box" to collect the top that I reserved last week. Yes I know that top is 'ah-lian' but it's nice. Walked past Tangs to disturb Zi wei and Tiara, we didn't tell them we are the next shift. We planned to be late. Do we sound mean? But for your information, they were 45minutes late! Then we walked to Far East Plaza, I want to show Gloria the boots I talked about, I ended up reserving it. Haha. As we were in the shop, Zi wei called and said, "Hey, that SA guy came and told us the next shift is Gloria Chew and Lee Swee Min! Come down NOW!" Gloria told her even that is so, there is still one more minute. But we took 25minutes there, as we went to buy Coffee Bean. Hehe.

Today's christmas kettling was fun fun fun! Talked about all those that walked past, time seems to past faster than yesterday. We played the "ah-beng" game again, by the way, it's really quite fun. It's get annoying though, as Gloria keeps saying she's blind. Haha. There was only one man that came to say ice-cream today, yesterday was like 3 annoying man. For some reasons, all of them are old man, why is that so? Is it true that when you get older you try to be funny but you end up doing something stupid. There were 2 groups of guys that came to ask for number. They were all so... *sigh* I don't know how to describe. But of course, I am not interested. I heard from Gloria, there was this white shirt guy that came to donate, he likes me. Righttt! Since when did doing salvation army christmas kettling, a charity work into a flirting or match-making session? Sometimes it's just get real annoying. Like... I am doing something serious here, not to be an entertainment or a model for you guys to look at. Okay but whatever, That white shirt guy was cute. Haha. Opps! Gloria said from far he was looking, then when he put the money into the container he kept on looking at me, as I pass him the calender and sweet, he is still looking. Do people just donate for the sake of I don't know what. At least there was a breakthrough today, there were 4 teenagers that donated, yesterday there was none. All along it's just adults. We shared alot of things, I really like the fact when we just talked for 4 hours and it's not through the phone. I asked her lots of funny questions, whether the answers are true or not, I have no idea, only you guys know the best. We left at around 7.20pm.

Rushed down for dance. It's was a fun practice again. So Torance, what's UrbanGroove rule #01??? Haha. Make up your mind man. Let's shake hands. *doudge* Dennis, stop lying to me. It's difficult for a girl like me to know which is the truth which is not. So ya. Ravi, you are so funny. How can your lips bleed for no reason, maybe you just hit yourself while dancing or something. Yes, Sing Xuan you did a great job. Keep it up. Just remember, you can do it. (Just do it.) UrbanGroove Go Go!!! Dance it for His glory. Pull and Bear it Sharp!

Everybody's going crazy
Is anybody going to save me
Can anybody tell me what's going on
What's going on
If you open your eyes
You can see that something is wrong
-Crazy (Simple Plan)

I've got a need.
I've got a big need.
I've got a big big need.
I've got a NEED.

I've got to SKATE!!!!
Hasn't beem skating for what feels like a month!

Had just been dancing and dancing and dancing.
But I still love it as much!

saturday
woke up at around 11.30am
got up at 1pm
ate the roti-prata mum bought for me
intend to go and buy presents then go for service
gj suddenly asked me go accompany calvin for make-up
was kind of sad cause it's phil pringle service today
didn't want to miss it
but got no choice and got to sacrifice (God sees it)
took a cab down that cost me $10.20
and guess what?! I waited from 4.20pm to 5.15pm
calvin didn't turn up!!!!!!! and he don't even bother to tell me
phone was off-ed, mum said he went out super early!
wasted my time and money and most importantly....
I DIDN'T GET TO GO FOR SERVICE
I heard that it was super super good!
what a day man!
went to get presents at J8
lazy to go town
bought 2 of them tops from FunkyB (christian shop)
clarence's from 77th street
bought macs & took a bus home
craving for the fried oysters @ bedok

Had bible study today. It was great. I realise the more bible study I have, the more complicated it gets. But the better and better it gets too. I really get to know what this world is all about, how God created this fancy world and the more I can see God's plans in my life. Showing me the path I should walk. Knowing what all this is about. Looking forward for more of it.

Although I went for prayer meeting late today, but the presence of God was so strong in that place. The moment worship comes, I started weeping. He reminded me of my calling, my vision, His will and not mine. Though it's not what I expected, not what I want, not something in my comfort zone, but out of it. I told God, "If that is really my destiny, bring me closer to it". It's really difficult, I got to say it's really tough, but I believe if God had place this for me, He will bring me to it and through it. Bringing me nearer to my destiny. I told God again, "Help me to be more winsom, bring the friends to me. I want to win souls for Your Kingdom, for Your Name to be glorified. Teach me, Holy Spirit guide me. Help me to love Your Word more, spend more time with you, bring me back to my first love. Let the fire of God burn in me once again, I want to be passionate for You, Your will".

Dance today was not bad, strengthened my steps and sharpened them. My steps are on the beat now, really got to practice alot more. I am still bad at locking, God! Is there anyway out? Help me! Locking is tough. I look weird doing it. Haha. Believe I can do. I got faith! I see hope!

All my life

There was just me and my dreams

And the days went ticking by

Like the beat of my heart

Spend my nights

Wondering how it would feel

When the waiting would end

And tomorrow would start

Suddenly I see the light

Out of the darkness I'm coming alive

So this is how it feels

Reaching for heaven

This is how it feels

Kissing the sky

This is what it means

Touching forever

Like a phoenix rising from the flames

I'm reaching for heaven

All this time

I never knew I was so strong

But you made me find the fire

That was there all along

In your eyes I can see all I can be

Suddenly I want it all

And I know you'll catch me if ever I fall

You alone have shown me

Shining new hope rises now for all

I owe you

It's my turn to show you

Romans 4:20

He did not waver at the promise of God through unbelief, but was strengthened in faith, giving glory to God.

Suppose to go town with Gloria. But as usual, I got 'pang seh' by her.
Eliz agreed to go with me. But in the end, she got to go send her member off.
So... I got no choice but stayed home the whole day till dance practice time.
Wanted to go and buy MAC eyeliner and Maybelline mascara. *sigh*

Took a cab down to SMU. Got no choice. They need my laptop. It cost me $12.30!!! That uncle made so many rounds, cheated my money. Dance was FUN FUN FUN today. Haha. So funny!!! Guess what?! I was named the "zouk girl". How nice! All thanks to David Choon! There is this step that I seriously cannot do, not that flexible to do it.

I WANT A PAIR OF CONVERSE SHOES BADLY!

Today's sub-zone amazing race was OH-KAYY.
For service, was stonning most of the time.
Guess I was too tired.
Trying to focus.

Don't know what am I feeling again.
Very EMO I guess.
I am always EMO, some might say.

God, show me my right one.

It's only when I am in my very own 'lala'' land
I can be who I truly am
I don't have to fake
I don't have to carry faces
carry burdens and stress
and to be who others want me to be

I can be who I wanna be
living in my own fantasy
To be with those that I want to be only
Loving those that I want to love
Don't have to act to like people
that I truly don't

To have that courage to say things I want
To make my own stand
To tell those that I love
To wear what I want
To dance all I can till the night falls

Looking up at the dark blue skys
with those beautiful stars
shinning bright in the dark
Relaxing at my nice little cosy cottage
Sitting by the sea side with my love ones
Realising that verything in the world
doesn't matter anymore

it's only in my dreams and fantasy...

There is this girl, that once love God so so much,

who once had so much passion,

who once put Him first no matter what,

who once sacrificed just for His glory,

who once are excited for every event,

who once never give up on Him,

never turned away from Him.

This girl had tried her very best to be like Jesus,

strived all the way to know Him better,

do all she can to follow His will,

making her love for Him come true.

Her words, her smiles, her visions, her dreams, her fire for God,

ONCE touched many hearts.

She was real, was true, she doesn't act. She does everything for God.

She knows that God truly loves her for who she truly is.

But now...

things changed.

Things in the world, looks much better to her.

There were many many things that distract her.

She knows those things doesn't last.

But yet, she doesn't want to give them up.

She is sad.

As God doesn't seem to bless her anymore.

at the times when she needed the most.

She felt controlled.

She felt that she can't do things that she want,

say things like her friends does.

She likes the feeling of being free.

God gave her the gift and love,

she knows it very well.

But just can't seems to do it well.

Love starts to fade off.

Passion starts to drift away.

Fire is burning off.

where is that passion?

she misses it.

but it just seems like it's burning in someone else's heart now.

where is she?

I can't find 'her' anymore...

Sorry guys for not updating for such a long time. Got home late every night, by the time I am home, I am just too tired to blog. So... your long awaited post is here now!

Thursday - 09 November 2006
Stayed home the whole day. Waiting for 7pm to come for my medicine time. As time passed by, 7pm is here! I mixed the transparent liquid into my pepsi. As I started drinking... EWWW!!! MY GOODNESS! IT'S FREAKING DISGUSTING! So sick. It's making want to puke, but I got no choice, I can't vomit it out or else, it doesn't work anymore. You can never imagine how gross it can ever get!

Friday - 10 November 2006
Woke up at 7.30am to prepare for the scope. Reached east shore hospital at 8.15am. Registered into the hospital, changed to the 'funny looking' clothes. Haha. It just felt so weird and empty. Went down to the operating room on the trolley. It was called the trolley, how nice... I am being pushed down in a 'trolley'. It seriously felt so funny. Haha. I just kept on giggling. Waited for like half an hour as my doctor was doing a scope on another patient. Finally it's my turn, went inside the room. They sprayed this thing into my mouth to numb my throat (it feels so funny and it's bitter). When the doctor came in, they inject something in to my veins, to 'put me to sleep'. But yet... It was too painful till I woke up in pain in the process of it. Then they put an extra dosage of the medicine and I went back to sleep. Can you imagine how painful it is? Woke up at around 12.30pm. When the doctor came in to gave a report, guess what he said. He said my colon is longer than others and loopier! Haha. Due to that, I had some pain in the process. How nice...

Sunday - 12 November 2006
Today's service was... OKAY. Was stonning most of the time. Saturday's service was much better. Went fellowshipping after that. Ended so early as usual. Was so bored... so I went tampines to find Eliz and hang out with her cg. Went for dance at 6pm. It was not bad. I went back to find Eliz after that. We decided to go and 'visit' our 'long lost' friend (heart that is lost), Larry. Haha. Feel really really really happy to see him, talk to him. It feels like I went back to the past. That kind of friendship is so difficult to archieve and I seriously don't want and can't afford to lose it. I cherish it. And with my darlings, Eliz and Gloria. I loveee you guys.

Vivo city is big but super useless!

I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Coz I've got you to make me feel stronger,
When the days are off and an hour feels much longer.
When I've got you to make me feel better,
When the nights are long it will be easier together.

What's wrong, what's wrong now
Too many, too many problems
Dont know where she belongs
where she belongs.

She wants to go home
but nobody's home
Thats where she lies broken inside
With no place to go
no place to go
to dry her eyes

Her feelings she hides
Her dreams she can't find
She's losing her mind
She's falling behind
She can't find her place
She's losing her faith
She's falling from grace
She's all over the place
Broken inside

Feeling super emo now. One moment I will tell myself "it's okay, everything is fine. I got God. Everyone experience this. Just learn from my mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes regardless big or small. Just move on. Don't brood over it." Next moment, "I can't take it. Satan is putting so much presure on me. I am going crazy and out of control. Maybe I am just like that. Killing my joy. I am not worthy of God". These are driving me nuta. Getting split personaility.

Got to be strong. Everyone goes through this before. Can't just let a one time failure pull me down and let satan have the chance to come in.

Falling on my knees in worship
Giving all I am to seek Your face
Lord all I am is Yours
My whole life I place in Your hands
God of Mercy
Humbled I bow down
In Your presence, at Your throne
I called, You answered
And You came to my rescue
And I want to be where You are
In my life, be lifted high
In my world, be lifted high
In our love, be lifted high

A pure heart that's what I long for
A heart that follows hard after thee

A heart that hides your word
So that sin will not come in
A heart that's undivided
But one You rule and reign
A heart that beats compassion
That pleases You my Lord
A sweet aroma of worship
That rises to You throne

Corrupted and dirty. I know. There is no way I am worthy of You. All Your love and guidance, have all gone to waste? I don't know. Is it wrong to be forgetful no matter how important something is? I am always so scared. Am I very useless? I am forever making the same mistakes again and again. I know the consequences, the things to do and not to do, the things to avoid of, just that I don't do them. I simply don't. I know my faults and weakness. But I just don't make a point to change them. Am I not discipled enough? Am I very stubbon? Which part of me is not doing well. I know. I know. I just can't put myself to correct it. I tried. I tried. And I tried. I really did even if you don't believe. It just kept on coming back. GET BEHIND ME SATAN! I want to be pure. clean. cleansed. white.

While I was skating last night, I notice something.

"The darker it gets. the brighter it is."

As the night falls, it gets darker and darker but yet, the light seems to get brighter and brighter. Somehow it just encourages me. The deeper I am in darkness, the more God will show himself. He will be the light that guide me through the dark valley. The tougher things get, God will show me more of His ways. So no matter in what circumstances, He will definatly be there.

Started off perfect yesterday. Wok-ed up at around 10+, turning and flipping on my comfy and cosy bed. Thinking of the nice things that happen-ed the day before. It just felt-ed like a dream. But afterall, I know it's real, 100% real. Wor-ed my contacts, brush-ed my teeth. Had-ed 2 pieces of roti-prata. Start-ed blogging, watch-ed tv. Finally got my guitar tuner!!! Praise the Lord! Play-ed guitar as and when I am free, read-ed my book 'Summer In The City' (it's really nice and sweet). After like every hour I will go into my room to slack on my bed once again. Haha. After 3 days of camp, sleeping at 3am all the time and waking up at 7am every morning, having the chance to be in bed ALL THE TIME is the best. Something happened to my blog, it went all blank. So... got to like redo everything. Sat on the super soft sofa, having my lappy on my lap, typing as how the feelings go....... love comes and go QUICKLY. Still feeling very tired. Haha. For this week I can slack all I like. From next week onwards, it's..... STUDYING, reading, guitaring, dancing, studying, READING, guitaring, dancing, studying, reading, GUITARING, dancing, studying, reading, guitaring, DANCING! DANCING WOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!! haha. Passion for dance..... can't wait to dance. Where there is music there is dance. It's links together like a pair of twins. Haha. I think I am just going high. LOVE YOU GOD! YOU'RE THE BEST. ALWAYS THE BEST NO MATTER WHERE I AM WHO I AM WHAT I AM. LOVE YOU PRAISE YOU TO THE CORE!

Today I started off well too. Woke up at 7 plus, think I slept too much yesterday, that's why woke up so early. Went back to sleep, Got up at around 10.15am. Started using my lappy and watching tv. Ordered Macdonals at like 11.30am. Received messages. Replied them. Then blogged, now playing my guitar. The whole day I am going to slack till 5.30pm. Will be having a ex-class reunion bbq at ECP. I love my 2/4 class. IT'S GREAT! Miss those times. But somehow... my 'good friend' doesn't like it the way I do. Sooo.... sad. She's not going with me. I shall eat her share then. LOVE YOU GIRL! STOP HURTING YOURSELF. HUGS & KISSES! LOVE ALWAYS! Still hanging on with You. God, I am trusting you for a miracle in my finances. Going to sacrifice for you... Sowed in tears, reaping with joy. Love you God. Thanks for everything You're going to do in advance!

-Love Always-
Swee

My life You lifted high.
My world You lifted high.
My love You lifted high.

I called and You answerd.
You came to my rescue.
And I want to be where You are.

I am proud to say... I sow in tears. It would be a sacrifice from me to You.

God you really got to help me. I don't know how and where I am going to get that money, but I am trusting You to bless me in this.

SO STUCK IN THE MIDDLE. now i understand how it feels to be in a love triangle. is it even love, or maybe 'lust' triangle.

Will be in camp from friday to sunday. Means no internet, no tv, no lots of food, no bed, no sofa, no laptop and no air-con!!!! That's the worst. haha. I realise when you grow older, you don't tend to look forward to any camps. I only look forward to chalets with my friends. So free... no stress. haha. You all must be confused. Let me explain... To me, Camp DOES NOT = Chalet. Chalet is fun. Camp is not. Camp gives me rashes, no 'cosiness' (if there is such a word), cannot spend long time in the bathroom and got to participate in EVERYTHING. Camp is more like a life-learning journey. Learn to accept those that you don't like. Got to act like you 'loveeee' everyone (no matter how much you seriously don't). Maybe... I really am older now.